Hello & happy Friday Reader!

I wanna talk about "thinking your feelings" (rather than actually feeling & processing them).

It's that thing we all do when we're caught in the web of our thoughts but seem to be dancing around the real, raw, perhaps uncomfortable emotions.

Thinking your feelings might sound something like:

"I should be happy," "Why can't I just get over it?" or the classic "I'm fine" when you're everything but fine...

"I shouldn’t be feeling *[insert: angry, alone, anxious, etc.] anymore, I thought I was past this!" or the "I must be feeling *[this hard thing] because..." or even better yet: "feeling [angry] about this isn't okay because I don't want to be an *[angry] person."
*Feel free to insert your own uncomfortable feelings [here]

It's like our brains are hosting a masquerade ball, and our feelings are hiding behind these elaborate masks of logic and reason.

Why do we get stuck in this mental masquerade, instead of actually just feeling our GD feelings?

One simple word for a somewhat complex and tender protective mechanism: Intellectualization.

Intellectualization is the process of analyzing and, by default, distancing ourselves from our feelings by turning them into intellectual puzzles. This is our mind's way of trying to logically understand the situation (and attempt to control the outcome), so it can better protect us from the messiness of our feelings and discomfort of being with them.

When you zoom out and re-enter from a place of compassion, that's actually pretty freakin' tender and adaptive– that our minds are trying so hard to keep us safe. So, no more shame if you find yourself thinking your feelings a lot, k? It's just information.

One more example to help this land...

Imagine you're feeling really flipping sad about a situation having to do with one of your closest relationships. But instead of allowing and bearing witness to that grief, your brain goes, "Let's analyze all the ways you and the other party should've/could've handled this situation better."

Rather than just saying, "I feel really sad." period... And then keeping that sadness company for a while.

When we think our feelings, we become outside spectators to our emotional experience, rather than the player in our own game; analyzing the ups and downs without actually feeling the emotional and sensory information that is begging for our attention. It's a bit like watching a movie about your life instead of living it.

In the longterm, bypassing feelings comes with a price. It costs us things like presence, peace, resilience, genuine connection (to ourselves, our people, our environment). It costs us the ability to feel the good things too, as when we avoid our hard feelings we also set ourselves up for a pattern of bypassing the nourishing and joyful feelings like has to offer.

Okay okay, so how do you stop thinking your feelings and actually FEEL the damn feels?

Here are 5 steps to get you started:

1. Pause, slow down, sit still & breathe. Try to quiet the thoughts to come into a sense of mindfulness. Bring your attention first to your feet on the ground, then slowly to the center of your body.
2. Ask "what is happening inside me right now" and bring your attention specifically to sensations and emotions (try to steer clear of the mental stories and meaning making. If this happens, just gently, without judgement bring your attention back to sensations + emotions.
3. *As much as possible, it's very important to try and stay unattached to the sensations and emotions you notice. Meaning, to remember that these are experiences happening inside of you.. sometimes very complex or even opposing experiences happening inside you all at once. These emotions and sensations are of you, they are not the totality of your being.
4. Name any emotions + sensations out loud using the language of, "I'm sensing something in me that is [fill in the blank]. Speaking them out loud will help you articulate more of a description for what you're sensing (which helps you soften into them more deeply), it also helps create some more distance from it (i.e. the sensation is happening in you, it's not who YOU are; it's not the totality of your experience). This might some something like, "I'm sensing a tightness in my chest. I'm sensing resentment. I'm sensing a desire to flee. I'm sensing restlessness." and so on.
5. Ask, "can I be with this?" or "can I let this be?" Just witnessing what sensations arise without becoming attached or judgey. Just allowing whatever is there to be there.

The paradox is that –more often than– not when we can fully be with our feelings, they shift, melt, move through us and find a way to lighten or release.

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If you're thinking...

"YIKES, I need support because feeling things feels scary and hard, and I might also need some structure and accountability to show up for myself like this..."

HOLLER. I'm here and would love nothing more than to hold a safe space for you to get reconnected to your inner world in this way.

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XO
​Holl​
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