Hello hello Reader!

Cutting right to the chase today, which is: How do you know the difference between when you're in a FREEZE state, vs. a FIGHT/FLIGHT state. And why does that matter?

It matters because when you can recognize and work with the state of your nervous system, you stop feeling like a victim to the ups and downs of your life.

When you start working with your nervous system, you reposition yourself to do the things in light that light you up the most. And that's what we're really here for, right? Right.

So, how can you tell what's happening with your nervous system?

🤼‍♂️ Here's what fight/flight tends to look like:

• Feelings: anxious, urgency, irritated, worried, concerned, angry, furious, panic, rage, feeling behind, on edge
• Physical: tense, clenched, knotted, fidgeting, heat, pressurized, constricted, dense, burning, pulling, buzzing, urge to run or for intense movement, desire to hit, desire to yell/scream
• Thoughts: "I have to do something now", "things will fall apart", "I'm going to fall short", "bad things always happen to me."

🥶 As opposed to freeze:

• Feelings: exhausted, lethargic, foggy, numb, vague, depressed, alone, disconnected, withdrawn, out-of-body, zoned out
• Physical: collapsed spine, frozen, big eyes, making fists, wanting to lie down, rounded shoulders folded through the middle
• Thoughts: Generally shameful & helpless, "It'll never work out, I'm bad", "I'll always be alone."

✨ And because I'd be remiss if I didn't reference how "safety" tends to show up:

• Feelings: easeful, contentment, spacious, relief, expansiveness, open, calm, connected, grounded, inspired, creative
• Physical: softening of shoulders, breath becoming full and slow, jaw and face muscles soften, hands soften, awake and calmly alert ​
• Thoughts: slower, clearer, based in present moment reality, recognizing agency, sense of empowerment, shifting from worry to trusting, having options and seeing possibilities

^^This is just a starting point. The real work comes from your own personal exploration of what's happening inside of yourself when you're feeling all out of sorts.

✅ Here are 3 steps to start tracking your own personal nervous system states:

1. Next time you're feeling any of those uncomfortable feelings above, pause and name them.
2. Be as detailed as you can (e.g. "I feel a tightness in my shoulders, neck and a clenching in my jaw. It feels like worry and urgency") .... notice i did not create a story or make meaning here. I simple named and described.
3. Once you've described, come back and look at the states above to see which most fits your current experience. (using my example, the tightness and urgency is usually a sign I'm in fight/flight)

Great, you've named your experience, identified the state of your nervous system... now is when you get to choose how you want to respond and move forward.

Generally speaking, when I'm disregulated (in fight/flight or freeze) the first step I take is not to "fix" the reason behind the disregulation, but to first regulate. ONLY THEN do I even attempt to shift the underlying cause.

For context, here's a common example from my life: I'm tense, angry, hot and frantic because my kids are screaming at me and we're running late. Attempting to coerce my kids into putting their shoes on the first time I ask rather than the 117th is futile. Thinking about how I should've set an earlier alarm in that moment is neither helpful nor will it resolve the issue. Berating myself for pouring that last cup of coffee and sitting for an extra 10 mins to enjoy it, does nothing other than steal the joy it brought me.

What DOES help is remembering that I'm no good to my kids or myself when I'm losing my freaking mind. What DOES help is remembering that my own regulation (or lack thereof) will shape my kids' regulation (or lack thereof).

What DOES help is taking 2 minutes to breathe, feel my feet on the ground, place a hand on my heart and sense back into my body. What DOES help is naming what I'm feeling and asking, "and what do I need now?"

Often the answer is just to keep breathing. To be still. To accept my experience, feelings, response, and my messiness as a normal HUMAN condition. To shake it off and start again.

And again, and again.

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Cheers to you and all your messy, beautiful fucking brilliance. To your willingness to show up to this hard and important work.

XO

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